What i seek ...

It was very cold. I was leaning on my friend’s car. I was not exactly in the cosy confines of my jacket and had my hands dug deep into my trousers. My friend kept puffing out his frustrations about his work; I wanted to avoid the smoke. I looked up. There was a cloud here and there, and then there was the trail left behind by a plane. I knew it wouldn’t rain. But then it had to.

The day before was interesting. Like you I have let the decision of marriage be my family affair. Maybe I am a confused young chap or maybe that it is an intelligent decision. I was in front of my laptop speaking to my brother. The phone rang, the girls uncle wanted to see me. Of course he did leave the decision on my court with a wanting to. I mumbled “there is never a wrong time to do a right thing.” I wished it would just rain.

“Cherukan Kannikal” is quite a trend now, but it was my first time and I was a bit anxious. The girl’s uncle was quite a nice person to talk to. He asked me what I wanted to drink. I said I am fine with anything. And there comes the apple juice. How I wish he had asked me directly if I drink or not, I would have told him the truth. Girl’s aunt too kept staring at me. With “Rama Rama” I gulped the whole glass in one go. They seemed happy; they had come to a conclusion.

Next they wanted to show me his daughter’s wedding album and the dvd. It seems the proposed girl appears in lots of places as his daughter’s best maid. I nodded with a half heart. He would slow down at places were the photos showed his daughter wearing lot of gold. The girl was pretty; I had seen her snap earlier. I knew she was an engineer and was quite comfortable with the feedback from our so called dependable sources. We have never been behind gold. My ancestors have left us quite a bit for maybe couple of generations, and I know I will make more. My mom liked the girl and the horoscopes agree 7.5 on 10 and there I was watching the pictures mindlessly.

It was quite late when I got back. He hadn’t asked anything about me, maybe his dependable sources gave him a good feedback. I was surprised, yet happy. I lay on my bed, thinking of the “n” possibilities. I was all grumpy the next day. I don’t know when I slept. I really had a long day with my superiors out on so called business trips. I came back and crashed. All the while I wished it rained.

I have always had trouble defining relationships, in a way it’s a bit of what you expect of me. You wish to draw the lines, the ones which we are supposed to and not cross. Define boundaries, set the limits. My difficulty began ever since I was a kid. I call most of the girls my age or even a bit younger, Cheachi. It happened again on my last holiday, I was with my mom to get her a beautiful saree. The hostess mocked at me. I had somehow managed to call her Chechi. My mom poked me and asked “can’t you see.”

I have always tried to understand the right reasons. It seems like I was enrolled in my school two years earlier and always had people elder to me studying with me. And at the same time I was raised in a large family were we die and kill to be called elder or younger. Maybe that’s where I got it from.

Some relationships that life brings forth are very interesting. I have had quite a few very interesting ones in my little life. Some have been a piece of cake, while the other a piece of cake very difficult to digest. You know better than me the easier ones, Dad, Mom, Brother, Sister, Cousins, Uncles, Aunts, Son, and Daughter. But then again there are those that fall under the grey area.

To start with let’s say a I have a kid, I am not married. You will be like its still possible, and then I say I am not her genetic father. Do you find Sisters who don’t want to remain one? What would you call a relationship based on lust? What if like in movies, things start with friendship, but can’t end in love? What if friends don’t want to be just friends, but can’t get married? What if its love, but cannot end in marriage? What if its marriage, but not love? Hey I am not so very confused, just mentioned a few possibilities.

Life is already more complex than what we already know of it. Is it always worth to define all possible relationships? I don’t know what I seek of you. But maybe I can tell you what I may not seek of you, But then again it’s a maybe as I don’t know what I seek. You know what you want to know and you don’t know what you don’t want to know.

Wedding breaker is not exactly the reputation I seek. I am quite convinced that you are married. I wish very happily married. Sometimes there are small cracks in all relationships. That’s when we shower more love, more affection all unconditionally and fill the gaps. Trust me when I say this you know how to love better than you already do. I don’t know what my role is and you know what I don’t want to be.

You are well aware of the very famous “Pancha Indriyams” This is what most men live to satisfy throughout their life’s, with your own favourite prefix “pleasure”-full. Pleasure-full sights. Pleasure-full touches. Pleasure-full sounds. Pleasure-full taste. Pleasure-full aromas. Tell me how many of them you know can keep away from all this, Can you? Then again these are not something that I expect off you.

I love to be lost in your world. I do see you in all that you write. I already feel you with your words. I know you have a great sense of smell. I know you listen to such sounds. I can at times hear your heartbeaps. But I don’t still get, taste enough. Then there are also times when I wonder! A rainy day, Two cups of coffee, Smell of the rains and the coffee, Warm feel from the cup & Of course sweet nothings … with a moment of silence when you hear …. Heartbeaps.

A friend of mine once commented that I am attracted to Problem women. Another one made me realise that I do so because I feel for them, truly. It is very unjust to create expectations before you know what someone wants and can provide. It only delivers consequences that we may have to regret. But somewhere deep down I know I am not what you don’t want; I am not even that you want. Do you think, I can help you with what you want?

I don’t seek anything from you. But then again I seek “The You”, just the way you want me to “Find You”.

Knowing you begins ...

I have always been fascinated by the wisdom which the elderly grey haired men passed on to our very young, vibrant generation. My journey in knowing you begins here with one such seed of wisdom. Someone said in order to catch a lion, tame it, you start with its tail. “I am never everything but also never something … sometimes …” If anyone attempted to decipher the meaning of these mystery words on a grain, I am sure every read would given them meaning a many. But somehow since it’s an answer some kind, to seeds which I have sown, I need to do more than just know.

At the onset I have a confession to make, my read seemed to have opinionated that I am something close to complete or maybe even otherwise. But all I can say I am really not, like everyone I seek completeness, like everyone I seek answers, like for everyone an opportunity exist I do and like everyone that’s something, I can never be. I am only a learning curve, sometimes, sometimes not, but always. I respect my limitations and others alike.

“What are you?” I am somehow happy with my creation. I knew for certain that, you would weave an ocean of answers in questions. Just the same way, you would only be silent about the shoes that you are wearing, but never like to wear, more so in silence and more so in ambush. I typed “Who are you?” Then again that’s what I wanted to know and what you would take time to say. Now that I have listened to what you had to say, do you think it’s time to ask the right questions?

In your words have I only sought you, if not? Maybe your questions are my answers. You are a book that has meaning, but approve only of reading. You are more colourful than the rainbow; you have more sounds than the symphony, yet you know not you. More scarce your words, more mystery you confirm. Is that where you like to be? Is it time for a change yet?

In Pleasure is gratification and happiness is Nirvana. What pleasure would they seek in feeling complicated? What in brooding? What in finding pain? What pleasure would they find in considering suicide? What pleasure in entertaining negative thoughts? What pleasure in confessing sins? What in admiring sinful thoughts? What pleasure can forgetting the once important in life give? What pleasure is there in never letting go? You know not what you give, yet give? Is that what they seek? They feel? Is that what I seek? What Is that you give, what is that you seek?

I know very little. I know of a pleasant voice cracking up on the fm. I know of origins in gods own country. I know of a peacock waiting for its rain. I know you like coffee. I believe you like pink. I believe you have a great sense of smell. I know you like chocolate cakes. Do you like a ride on a bike? Do you read Tagore? I know of 24 days and 17 hours. There are more questions than answers. I know there is more than what I know. I know there is more than what I have felt. Is it all that you wanted to tell me? Is it yet time to ask the right questions?

Where do you go so often?

When you ask, “Where do you go so often?” I know for sure that you weren’t expecting an essay for an answer. But if that’s what I feel like doing, let rains save you from me. I am one of your typical guy next door characters. Shy, with a gentle smile, which you often misunderstand. The guy who looks down on the road when a girl looks at him? You are a bit surprised! The next question would be, Really? Are there really guys like you anymore? You hardly notice guys like me.

Now to really answer your “Where do you go so often?” I spend a lot of time in my coffin. You know the kind of 12 ft x 6 ft space some people call a room. I only call it a coffin, because I decay in there just the way a corpse would do. There isn’t much life in there. There is a table lamp, the table, a bookshelf, a cot, a wardrobe, mini fridge and my coat hanger. All arranged one next to the other.

I don’t watch much TV so hasn’t felt the need for one. I don’t really listen to music so there isn’t a music player. What a boring guy? Was that what you were thinking? Just before you make any conclusions let me tell you about my favourite possession. My 13.5” note book, She is a treasure. She commands a base of about 150 plus movies, about 5000 plus songs. Pirated and downloaded of course. I do watch a lot of genres in movies, but songs when I really feel the need to, which again is rare. I am sure you like art movies, just like me.

Now if you ask me what my favourite possession is I would have a tough time choosing between the table lamp and the coat hanger. I only call it a coat hanger, but it keeps all my dirty stuff from lying all over the room. But I like the light from my table lamp, always had one for the past 11 years. It gives me very unique vibes. A strange feeling of being there, I spend hours under its glow with my thinking cap on. It has always been there for me.

My bookshelves are always full, even though I don’t read much. I only have read two novels or rather two books again in the past 11 years. And before that I never migrated from the Boys and the Drews. If you dig in, you will definitely find some comics in one of the shelves. I do have some books which are very difficult for me to understand. But a few on occult sciences, market reviews, my autograph books, and a few strongly recommended must read, often passed on books which my friends really want me to read are always there. They also vanish as soon as they come as there are people who really want to read.

Hope you didn’t miss my roommate on the way in, whom I hardly get to see. If I am not occupied by any of the above I could be doing real interesting things in life, like watering my 3 pots of money plant in my little balcony. I bought the first one about 5 years back. I was all new to this desert and missed green life. I somehow made my selves believe that if they were well taken care of; my finances also would grow along. It’s been true so far my finances have tripled in 5 years, So much for a superstition.

Standing there I gaze at the stars, that’s when sometimes I am fooled looking at the lights from an airplane. How I wished it was all still and the glow got brighter. Sometimes there is moon and sometimes the clouds. There is nothing like the night sky. Hey don’t get ideas; I don’t smoke even in the balcony. I sometimes walk down to my ice cream joint at the middle of the night and ask for a cone. Sit at the park and lick it to the last drop. I live every little moment, like a baby would do.

I did miss out on my mini fridge. It only reaches a little over my knees. I only store ice creams, juices, pickles, honey and some ice. I use the ice very rarely. But when I am on my usually 2, not more than 5 sessions, I like them with lots of ice. I like to store my drinks, but hardly ever have I drunk alone. And never ever do I drink, when I am sad or fallen.

Water in any form is an in thing for me, the ice, the rains, the shower, the sea, the pool, the pond, the lake, the cornice, Not exactly in any particular order. I go to a swimming pool at a local club here; because that’s the only exercise I enjoy doing. I blew a lot of money on an annual membership. But that sometimes is when I really float over all the worries in life. After seeing your love for rain, I remembered my first rain in the desert. I had parked my car, walked out and got drenched. I couldn’t resist a small tribal dance.

Having said all this I need to make a confession, lest I start flirting with you in only words. I am married. She is very possessive and demanding like most women are. She takes a lot of my time and requires a lot of my energy. Unlike you on the 25th Floor, I belong to Ground Zero; with her life is a different ball game. So much for being the super Sales Guy, I enjoy my work very much, not that I like being a workaholic. There aren’t many more productive things to do than with her. Right now I am even working on a dream for us.

Friends and Family out here in the desert is a blessing. 2 Aunts, An Uncle, 5 Cousins and 9 of my MBA Classmates, 2 of my BBM mates, 7 of my Schoolmates are all here. I just made up the last few numbers. Of course it’s only much more and not less. This doesn’t count for any of my extended family, my second cousins and batch mates. I would be at the receiving end if I forgot my little ones, my nephews and nieces. I still have a complaint box hung around my neck. I manage with hugs and kisses and of course with the goddess on my tongue how can I go wrong?

My friends are very interesting. Sometimes they make me feel, I am the best they could have had. A little one owns a yatch, we go fishing couple of times a year before sunrise. It was a life time experience when I was floating over 70 ft of sea under me. There is this basket ball guy, for whom I kind of act like his ball boy. Give him any game; he would be extremely good at, except cricket. But then there is another one who is crazy only about cricket. Yet another one owns 5 hotels in the same city I live in. Hello hotels not restaurants.

People treat me like a guenie pig sometimes; I know what you may be thinking. You may want to remove the word starting with g and only use the one with p. Most of my friends are just married and they hate to be the g pig, but love to be the pig that u want me to be. As long as its food, I am always there. I really invest my time and money on my friends, the rich and the poor, the famous and the not so famous. But then again I know only of two of my friends who are not doing exactly well. One is a lawyer, used to be a trader, but being the agrarian economy India is neither is he doing any good. Though I know he can be good at his profession, he is not for now. Then there is he who met with an accident who has a limp and a lisping as his new friends. He hasn’t bounced back after that.

Just like you I don’t like sad endings. I also do have friends who are famous and influential. One of my old classmates got married to Surya’s sister. Yes the same one who is married to Jyotika and of Tamil Ghajani Fame. Then there are couple of Ministers sons, Mayors nephew, once a chief minister’s daughter, these are just a few of the people I know. So what, that’s always the next question? I am still the same “super wanna be”. But there is always pride in letting people know that you know people who know you know who. Reality check, I still try to know, help and not help if I can all the people I knew and has been with. The count could run into a few hundreds. Sometimes I get to coordinate their visits to our so called beautiful desert, just like yesterday.

I am convinced that I have multiple personality disorder. How else can I enjoy so much of varied activity? Though I am not a typical club hopping character, I do have my own share of night outs and club visits, Of course with the right people. A person like me is not expected to speak much about my female friends, especially at a stage when you spend quite some time looking out for a better half. But I really enjoy the times when I let myself loose. It was one such lovely night, when the pretty once were scarce. Me with my five friends and all the famous connections were thrown out of five very famous night clubs that night. I understood the importance of knowing one bouncer, just one bouncer.

Crazy? Is that what you think I am? 1 + 1 is 11. What would be that person be doing to drive that car, that I can’t do? Money doubles It selves? No work beyond 5 to 10 years? Everyone is right from their own perspectives? Staying positive, always? Not doing Intentional Bad? These are a few of my favourite research areas. Otherwise I am building my castles in the air. You know the kind of business plans, the strategies, unique thoughts; expressions. They become so easy when I draw it in the air. There are no opinions, no comments, no fear, no suggestions, and no worries. It’s a unique world with in one, were I ramble with words, thoughts, numbers, emotions and what not. I weigh and I also nurture. I feel heavenly, I feel peace, and I feel unique.

May be I will write a book one day. Never felt that I am any extraordinary writer, but I have always had stories for people, about sweet nothings in their life, and mine. How similar yet different it is to one another. I like to put people to sleep. It’s one of the most interesting things that I have ever done in my life. Everyone says I have an excellent voice. But no one sees me, or what I feel. I feel the innocence in their sleep and so I seek the innocence within me.

After all this I still manage to be lazy, that kind of revitalizes me. I sleep for long hours in my coffin. I ignore the calls from my friends and family. I am not building any castles on air nor on ground zero. I sometimes lay back on my bed with my notebook, and read through your liberated soul. I see a piece of mine within.