I was meditating over the week end …

It was quite a weekend; I was busy just the way I told you. A day with friends, and another whole day all for my selves. But everything began when the voice on the radio crackled.

It reads in Tamil;

Innaley Veenoru Mazhathulliye ni, Inalley verey ni engeyirrunde ?
Innu ezudiya Pudu Kaviye ni, Innu varey ni engairrunden ?

I got lost in the world, I got lost in our world…

How are you ?

“Hi, how are you? Fine, thank you.” … is something that you and I get to hear every day. Now that I have said this I really wish to ask you, “How are you?” It’s not a namesake; I really wish to know how you are doing. I truly wish that you are “genuinely happy.” It was never my intention to make you cry, nor to make you feel vulnerable and never ever wanted you to get hiccups. The fact is “You already are.”And all this just because I noticed, I heard and I cared?

Now before I ask “Do I deserve this?” let me ask you a simpler question, “What is it that you want?” A victory some sort, over me? Anything for you, I admit defeat. It is not a Mind Game that I am trying to win, but a friend. And to win someone like you, I can lose. I am sure you have wished that someone knew you quite well. You have always wished that someone would just understand you the way I do. You have wished that someone knew why you act the way you do, like I do. It’s not that you don’t like it, It’s just that you refuse to believe you get that from me. When there is a piece of me with in, Is it me or you that’s torn into pieces, tell me.

Tell me how many times, did you feel your heart beating faster. Tell me how many times, did you anxiously rub your hands on your thighs. Tell me how many times, did you pass by my page. Tell me how many times you got lost in those words. Tell me how many times you pinched yourself to keep away from me. Tell me how many times you wished you did and then stopped. All this, to prove that I am wrong? Or all this to prove you are not vulnerable? Is vulnerable the word or miserable your state?

I knew you wouldn’t, if you didn’t like what I wrote on your wall. I knew you wouldn’t, if I wrote. I knew I would if I didn’t write a single word. I wrote a lot, You win. Is that the Refuge you seek of me?

You are afraid. You are afraid of yourself, not me. You are afraid, you will fall … You are afraid that you will …

Know that … I am.

A Stranger …

You are probably one of those girls whose mother taught you “do not to speak to strangers”. Do you know of any stranger? Or does anyone else you know, know a stranger? Chances are less. Do you or anyone remember a stranger that did bad things to you? Chances are minimal again. But I am sure you have noticed the guy whom you didn’t know opening the doors for you to pass by. You have also seen him in the lift allowing you to board it even before him. You have seen him allowing you to cross the road when you were pregnant. You have seen him move out of his seat in a bus so that you can be comfortable? You just didn’t want to believe strangers could be of some help, strangers could be nice, strangers could be good, and strangers could have a soothing voice …

We always forget to realise that people who know us are the ones that usually cause us all the pain? Have you spent any time to understand a stranger? Why he does what he does? And have you ever made a decision to know a stranger and make him not one? What would you think of such a decision?

My Valentines Gift …

I don’t want to meet you on valentines … Lest I sin, my intentions, my thoughts and my actions. I am sure if we ever do, our lips would mingle and then witter. I will always bring out an excuse to hold your hands; maybe I would pick them up and plant an angel like kiss. I wish to see your eyes just then when it would look on to mine. I will then feel your heart skipping a beat or two, just when the thunder strikes. I would then hear your heart raining, the whole of you drenching in the rain, like me.

All this just to see your nails and hold your hands?

Let us just sit down on this wooden bench in our very own park, everything around quite green and serene. We can here the crickets screeching in the bushes, and you ask me why they make the noise and I mumble. You would be running your hands through my hair, when I am lying down in your lap. That’s when the thunder would strike again. And you look into my twinkling eyes for comfort. I pull you down on to me.

I can feel your heavy breath. For some strange reason you go for my Adams apple as if you wanted to suck all of my voice deep down into you. Is that what soothes you? You are now tracing your way through my jaw line and by now you are in my arms and our little lips embedded in each other’s as if seeking for more. That’s when the tiny droplets trickle down, from up above the sky, on your forehead, on your face, on your hair, on me and everywhere. We lay entangled in each other’s arms, holding tight, refusing to let go, yet embedded and deep in each other.

By now it’s just over a drizzle, tiny droplets trickling down from the trees. There is this puddle of water just around were our legs are. The crickets seem to be screeching everywhere. And we hear the trin trin coming our way. It’s the chai wala on his cycle, covered in a plastic sheet. He stops and asks chaya ? Upon our reply he hands down one glass. You hold it by both your hands; it seems to give you the same warmth that I gave some time back. But you give me a sip every now and then; I thought that’s the warmth I need from her. And when it’s finished we are unwilling to go.

I had to lift you in my arms and I joke about how heavy you have become. That’s when you pull me on to you once again. That’s when it starts raining all over again. That’s when I wake up and realize it’s Valentine’s Day. I did search for you all this time; I did seek you all this time. But you were never to be found …

You ...

You cannot not communicate, in words, in sounds, in thoughts, in actions, in heart beaps !!!

Maybe I want you to …

Fishes !!!

Imagine a beautiful round fish tank, Imagine some tiny little fishes, Imagine their different colours, the way they flutter their fins, the way they play hide and seek … Imagine you feeding them and cleaning their tank ... every now and then ...

Fast forward … Imagine fishes not so very pretty … Imagine them almost as large as your palm … Imagine faded colours and scarred bodies … Imagine that they cannot hide in the tank anymore … imagine their gills gasping and fins struggling to keep them there … Imagine your old hands feeding them …

Now Imagine it’s time for you to leave the desert … Imagine in the end that the fishes are you …

It was a lovely evening !!!

It was a lovely evening … my just serviced drive was cruising by the beach … not fast … but with the windows down I could feel the air gushing against my face … that’s when I remembered that I need to have a haircut … that’s again when someone said let’s get down and get some fresh air … I gently slammed the brakes and guided the girl into the parking close by.

As such it was a great day … I was out with my friends & their families … just lazing the day off … we had a great non stuffy lunch and now were at the beach … she was a tiny bundle of joy … very different from the girls her age … I picked her up from her moms hand and right away she lied down on my arms … very peacefully… her mom was a bit relieved, though she was anxiously checking out if she would be ok with me … she seemed convinced and went ahead to join her husband, my friend … the other couple were further ahead of them …

The previous day was interesting too … after dropping my friends after the midnight show, I returned back to my flat in the early morning … I realised I had my flat keys in the safe confines of my room … I had detached her before I gave the car for service and never really managed to put her back in the ring .. I didn’t want to wake up everyone for my mistake … as usual my roommate was never there in the flat as well … I had to sleep in my car, though it was not the very first time, it was for the first time in the desert … I enjoyed my little misadventure

I was probably a bit tired like her … but her warmth kept us comfortable … we were at the beach residences checking out the shopping festival fair … she was looking at everyone that passed by … none of them seemed familiar and most of them looked like from Mars or Venus to us … we were wondering why don’t Indians frequent such places … we went through the maze of joy rides and stalls …

We liked the stalls … she managed to wake up and take a closer look at the girls jewellery … the little glass ware, colourful carpets, toy store, the paint shop … we paused to listen to the beautiful girl who was playing the violin … we even paused to listen to the beautiful sounds at the fountain … But we liked the French uncle in the Arabic dress, who was doing caricatures the most … we did try our hand at sketching counter close by … we were feeling better … and just then her mom came and grabbed her

We had you in our mind all the time, but didn’t know when I would get time to sit down and write … oh I told her about you when we were walking around … she did then ask me, so she likes sloppy kisses like me ? I couldn’t stop laughing … I said yes … she had a thinking cap on rite then … then she thoughtfully asked she also likes telling stories and tight hugs just like me… I was on the edge … just managed to give her a huge peck on her cheeks … she was happy

What if she is stubborn, rude and irritating like me as well … then I asked her, has that ever stopped me from coming and picking you up from your dad and mom … she seemed contended, gave me a huge hug and leaned forward in my arms to lie down… may be she thought I was singing a lullaby or maybe she heard my heart beep … which she thought was music …

We had finished our dinner and had to split our ways … her eyes looked sorrowful … she was leaning down on her dads shoulders … she managed to give me a peck before she left … it was drizzling gently … I was back in my car and thought … things seemed to have changed so much … there was hardly any rain five years back … now it was refusing to stop … and here I was wanting to scribble … wanting to know better … and still confused … wishing it would never stop ... she has …

Sand Dunes !!!

You are in the middle of a desert. You find a tall sand dune. You start climbing it day in and day out. You almost reach on top of it. Then you realise there is another of the sand dunes to climb.

Before Climbing …

I will find oil on top … I will have to reach there at the earliest… I will not give up …

After Climbing …

There is no oil, only a little gold …. Will there be gold or silver up there …. I have spend so much time, how much more time will it take … is there going to be another dune up there … shall I stay just here?

I know how to climb better … I know how to reach faster … I will not give up ever … I will …

Another pointer towards “Life is a continuous struggle for improvement of circumstances.”