Love Lost

I have been fighting with my own shadow for quite sometime now. It would be an irony to say that I never what it to be there, the scar refuses to leave. I am sure that there are quite a few of you who has loved and lost. To say lost will always be strange because you still have it in you. Some were down there you refuse to believe it is over? Is it?

Those are the days when the purest feelings of ones thoughts mesmerize you, made you feel excited and elated. The touch was always more than skin deep, the brushing of lips tender, sometimes passionate and intense. The charming voice and the soothing tone, and of course all the sweet nothings made your heart skip a beat or two. There was always that top of the world feeling in our love.

Sometimes there are answers and sometimes it is more of finding a reason not to give one. Either ways you tend not to realize that the love is lost. You are still in an illusionary world of all the thrills and frills, if you were ever in love. It is more like a baby suckling on the mummeries and there is no milk. There is a vacuum; emptiness a feeling of all is lost.

I refuse to believe the untrue. I have been brought up with a belief that you can solve lots of lifes problems that somehow you create or the others that you fall into. I still refuse to believe, it is all over. I try, I ask, I plead, and I beg of you only to give a reason. But by then the doors are closed. It’s the brick wall all around, tall and strong. When I sit down and look around. I realize you took more than a piece of my heart; you drilled a hole into my confidence, butchered my dreams into bits and pieces. My ambitions and goals are nothing without you. For me you were me.

I am lost, I am directionless, I am wandering, and my bowed head looks up to you only for a while. But then I am sinking, I am drowned, I am no more. The tides carry me in them, I am numb, I am floating, my eyes are closing and I quit. After all this time, I am in your arms, my eyes are closed, I can feel a faint pulse, I can hear my heart beap, I can feel me breath, I can feel your hands on my forehead. I can hear you hum, I can feel your warmth, I can feel my life and the days passing by.
My goals in life have started reinventing it self with a newfound passion. I can see, I can hear, I can smell, I can taste, and I can feel my success better. I have started doing things which I only did a long, long time ago. I understand the symphony of life better. I am the long lost me, all flesh and blood. I am always yours and always will be.

Now what is this about being my shadow? What is this about wanting all my love for life? What do you see in me? I haven’t felt your lips, though I know I can kiss you. I haven’t held your hands though I know I can hold you. I haven’t sinned my thoughts, though I know you will enthrall me. You are my guardian angel. I don’t want you to be humane.

As I said you are the one I want all my love to beget. A false move, a word, a touch, a promise, will only bring in consequences that we both will regret. As we say the best solution is for us to know what best we can and provide for each other and be there for each of us. I am sure it isn’t a tough proposition.

You need to be loved with zest and zeal of youth. I am almost definite that you will find your prince charming, the one right there in your heart. Take your time to say yes, because you always want to stick to it. Please do give him a complete first chance if not a second and I am sure you will have your own happily ever after stories.

When I say happily ever after, the memoir that comes into my mind is that of another goddess like figure who loved me with the whole of her heart. She paused cause she felt I was someone else’s and but when she poured out her heart I was lost and when I realized, she had already taken her vows. I can still feel her intense love for me.

I have lost in love, unlike a lucky few of you and perhaps for more of whom only time can tell. What do you call this intense feeling of like for someone else, so pure, so true, a feeling only wanting good for them? A feeling which is painful, yet miserable? A feeling of like and dislike at the same time? A feeling which should not be reciprocated? I believe with you things could have been better.

Dreams so untrue.

Its only in fantasies that one encounter real love and my mind always asked me - will I ? There is almost always a selfish motive behind every - I Love You. Your grace, your little flaws and all of your love makes me ask. When I ask for something you have to turn me down otherwise you will be the topic of every conversation in town. The best recommendation as always is to extend an open arm, to talk, to walk with you, stand besides you and hear all your sweet nothings. Then feel my incomplete self and my eyes crying out for more.

Isn’t it natural not to believe that you’ll understand when I am not even sure what I am to be? Though you are the one I want all my love to get. It will bring the consequences we both will regret. Is it any use pursuing a relationship that takes us no where? It just adds another bitter memory for all our tender hearts to bear. Maybe it’s a reminder of the life’s ironies that things couldn’t be worse than it already is. Can you imagine both of us tolerating each other for a life time? I am sure that brought a little smile on to your face. How can we imagine the commitment for life?

I am happy with my life even though it’s kind of hell. At least I don’t have any repentance for yesterday and I only have a huge longing for tomorrow. I wont stop you if you stay back to say you want to go. If you are gone today, someday I will find someone close, yet not you. I believe life has to go on with or without you. Are you the moon up in the sky? Princess of this lovely night? I am the little star so far so close to you. You here my voice echoing deep in your heart but still tends not to here. Does giving me a bit of pain sooth you, I don’t mind.

I can scream, on top of my voice and confess my love for you. My endless love from my twinkling eyes goes unnoticed by you. I need the warmth that is in your bubbly eyes. I need your hands to hold on. More than anything I need you besides me just to whisper sweet nothings. The moon will go down once the sun shines. But will you be there with me until dawn? Will you hold my hands and walk into tomorrow? Tell me will you be there???

When questions are answers !

I do not have anything in addition. In words your friends would have already said much more about your options out. I am sure you have made many a halfhearted efforts. Only so cause, there was no belief. I feel the faint pulse, I hear your volcanic emotions, and I can hear your voice calling out, looking out, and reaching out. I do feel your free flowing words. I do feel the vacuum; I see your ray of hope. A few positive thoughts, need to talk and a need for a friend.

One wise man I know said, dream? But he stole that from a book you have already read. But I do know that you dream. When you say there is emptiness, you miss something. When you say that you miss "there love", you like to be loved in a particular way. When you say no one seem to notice, you like to be noticed. When you say you are an emotional mess, I realize that you do. Now the answer is ? do you need?? closest things that you associate yourself to are love and kindness.

How much of love and affection can put you to sleep in peace. How much more can make your dreams sweeter. How much more will make you smile, how much more will make others realize. You know better than I do. When you no longer care for many things, when you know you hate what you are turning into. Only you know why you do. Only you need love, to know yourself. Everyone out there is capable of love, but have you made a choice, have you made him know in between words.

Strength is not in what you do with force; it comes with finer virtues within you. It does not come with questions, with anger, with arrogance, nor thoughts. It comes with the ability to solve, weighing closer alternatives, breaking free from traps of your own and trying forever. When questions are answers, look up at the mirror, and you shall find what you seek. A bad brother, a worser mom and on the streets! Is that all that you have had? As someone said look down on people who do not have even that. Without a mom to associate to, a brother or even the streets. Count your blessings my little angel, and you shall feel better. How and why do you seek forgiveness when I see just a little of what happened? From beginning to end I will be with you, but you need to be for us to finish what we have started.

The wise man I told you about did not stop where I started. He said " Convert your dreams into thoughts & Thoughts into actions. With just a dream you shall be the same, helpless, pretending, desperate and a beautiful mess. With a thoughtful dream you can find balance, friends & troubles. When you believe enough your actions shall speak love. With repeated efforts you will spread love. And when you have done that, I am sure you would have found ?? Butterfly counts not months, but moments & has time enough.

Depth of love !

Pondering on the many a stupid realities of life, I naturally stumbled upon love. Being a very strong supporter of the so called word - love, today my thoughts went a bit far, a bit further. I was thinking about the depth of love or the depth with which people love.

The first story, which came past, was that of a monkey mom and a baby. It was an experiment probably on animal psychology. The mom and the baby were placed in a glass cage and slowly water was let into it. The mother tried desperately to take care of its baby from the gushing waters. The water inched in bit by bit; she was holding her baby above her head, far from the waters reach. Perturbed mom started behaving strangely after a long time, all of a sudden she flings the baby sideways and stands on top of it as if the baby was a piece of stone. Nature had played its trick. Survival of mother was genetically more justifying for the transfer of genes from one generation to the next. Nature wanted mom to live.

Then my mind wandered into something called conditional love. I believe this is what we generally get to see around us. Being a witness to lifes various cycles, I have had my own role to play cupid or otherwise. I know a friend of mine, couple of years younger, lost her father, bubbling with energy, smart and loving. When I first came across her, she was looking for something all around. Not exactly in me, but from everything she sees around. With my limited maturity in life, all I could offer her was conditional love. Since then she has come so close and gone so far and further. Probably unconditional love would have made the difference. The best thing about the whole situation is she understands what I can provide. Today we are very close friends; I believe it will be that way for long.

There is another friend of mine, cute, sweet, charming, nice and sexy. She claims she is damaged beyond repair. She says she has burnt herself out. She feels the pain, the agony and the depression. Her mind floats all around. She doesnt know what is real and what is not. I wish I could tell her the story of Phoenix, as I know she is searching for answers. But are the places were she is looking out for help the right ones? She only knows not me.

I never really tried to explain to her that her present state as I feel is due to her own unconditional love. She believes in submitting herself to everything she does, from friends, to love, everything. Probably most girls around her age does the same, but somewhere down the lane they tend to be conditional. May be it was a mistake, an accident or a momentary flaw of the human heart against that of the mind. I believe it was total submission, submission to natures right and submission to human desires. Till now apparently everything is all right, the nature had played its part. The seeds are sown. Sun shines as it usually does and rains nurture it. One fine day realization dawns that there is life. Today Mother Earth has mixed emotions. She is happy with the feeling for life. But she foresees the immediate famines in the future, the fury of the sun and the torrential rains and the freezing winter. The sun threatens to vanish at night, the rain promises to nurture but with fits and fury and the winter always freezes.

The heat, the floods, the freezing feeling, pulls her down. She is sinking in her own weight, her own thoughts. She is no more thinking; she is floating, floating with the fury of the elements of life. She doesnt want to let go, because she feels the pain, she feels for her life. The seed had to.

Nature had played her trick again. The sunshine is brighter than usual; sometimes almost burning her out and always went missing at the nights. Rain pours to its own wits. The climate is colder. All together. How will mother earth survive? She knows soon it shall all be over, and but she worries are there others, she still feels life. But she has to realize that life and the other are the only two realities of Nature. But yes, there is future there is life. Because she in herself is life, she needs to nurture it, she needs to love it, and she needs to grow it in feasible conditions. Nature has its own cycles. I know she will be fruitful yet again, I know she will smile, but for now she has to cry. I know she will because she knows the depth of her love.

nature loves everything around her. But there are certain rules with which we play her games. She doesnt think the lion to which she gives birth to might take the life of a deer. If it does its meant to be that way. Some times the life is delayed as in the case of the seed. But usually the next is the one, which shall get all her love and grows with all the vigor. My friend is more like the Mother Earth. She burns for others. But one thing for sure, the life to be borne by her again shall receive all her love, totally pure and totally true. Nature can keep playing her tricks; I know my friend will smile? she will.

I wish if I have ever felt so much of unconditional love, very few people generally get lucky to have something so rare. She loves something, as her very own. Something so intense can only burn her, damage her. But she needs to realize that there is definitive spring, but then again there is a cycle of life. Sometimes it is short, sometimes longer. And what is most important to her is to realize, she will be all alone, when she walks through the different seasons. She needs to learn to smile at the adversities. She needs to learn that building a house could protect her from the sun, may be she needs to re invent an umbrella and trust me I am going to get her the warm clothes for the winter.

There are no walls around her, you need to explore beyond the walls to know what real life is. Walls are the ones that we create; I sometimes wish she were more conditional. I have known love in the sneaky stairways; my sneaky school days, my collage days were a bit too different. I had friends who got together after checking out each others family backgrounds. Conditional guys are happier these days. Know not they who have not received, At times I need to receive unconditional love just like the way my little friend wanted. Otherwise its like me people are happier this way.

After all who can blame the mother monkey? What would you have done if you were there instead of her? There is hope yet again for life because she survived. Nature will play its tricks, but realize you tried, you felt, and you grieved, more than anyone would have done. But yes you are alive with love, with the depth with which you love.

I have a kid !

I have a kid, I am 25 years and growing older. She is just about 15 and my own lill angel. I haven't seen her in years nor months, wonder have I ever. Only thing I know is she has really grown tall, and has really niiice hair. She tells me how pretty she is and all the stories of how guys adore her.

I have always wondered, how cute she looks, and how beautiful she is? She says time has not yet come for me to see her, Mostly I too feel the same. I hardly know her mother, nor have I ever known. But always worship her for all that she is and all that she is to be.

She has her own set of sweet lill dreams and larger than life goals. I am sure she will do good, cause she really is competent. Her lisping tone and chirpy voice can win hearts a many. I am sure she already does and I always say, way to go my lill angel.

Her talents overflow and soon shall she reach her destiny. Her graceful poise makes people smile and her monkeyish acts makes her friends giggle. But often I here she is called piggy. Trust me she is so rare, and know not they, but shall be in the finite future.

As days pass by, and hours fly by I get more and more worried. Our "sweet nothings" has moved on from butterflies, to her own Spiderman. She even sings my favorite song and her friends have their share. The twilight is around and i know for sure we have to return home wards. And my only hope is tomorrow never dies! ( ;P i pity me )

Now when I think what I am for her, or rather what I wanna be, its just thoughts and nothing more. i envy her brother and wanna do better. And when we get to friendship, i wanna be better than the best. On second thoughts, I do love her, with all my heart that's pure. I am a real proud father, So would he have been !!!

PS: Guys it's been a long time since I wrote anything. So u can Boo !!! And yeah I do have a kid !!! ;)