Love Lost

I have been fighting with my own shadow for quite sometime now. It would be an irony to say that I never what it to be there, the scar refuses to leave. I am sure that there are quite a few of you who has loved and lost. To say lost will always be strange because you still have it in you. Some were down there you refuse to believe it is over? Is it?

Those are the days when the purest feelings of ones thoughts mesmerize you, made you feel excited and elated. The touch was always more than skin deep, the brushing of lips tender, sometimes passionate and intense. The charming voice and the soothing tone, and of course all the sweet nothings made your heart skip a beat or two. There was always that top of the world feeling in our love.

Sometimes there are answers and sometimes it is more of finding a reason not to give one. Either ways you tend not to realize that the love is lost. You are still in an illusionary world of all the thrills and frills, if you were ever in love. It is more like a baby suckling on the mummeries and there is no milk. There is a vacuum; emptiness a feeling of all is lost.

I refuse to believe the untrue. I have been brought up with a belief that you can solve lots of lifes problems that somehow you create or the others that you fall into. I still refuse to believe, it is all over. I try, I ask, I plead, and I beg of you only to give a reason. But by then the doors are closed. It’s the brick wall all around, tall and strong. When I sit down and look around. I realize you took more than a piece of my heart; you drilled a hole into my confidence, butchered my dreams into bits and pieces. My ambitions and goals are nothing without you. For me you were me.

I am lost, I am directionless, I am wandering, and my bowed head looks up to you only for a while. But then I am sinking, I am drowned, I am no more. The tides carry me in them, I am numb, I am floating, my eyes are closing and I quit. After all this time, I am in your arms, my eyes are closed, I can feel a faint pulse, I can hear my heart beap, I can feel me breath, I can feel your hands on my forehead. I can hear you hum, I can feel your warmth, I can feel my life and the days passing by.
My goals in life have started reinventing it self with a newfound passion. I can see, I can hear, I can smell, I can taste, and I can feel my success better. I have started doing things which I only did a long, long time ago. I understand the symphony of life better. I am the long lost me, all flesh and blood. I am always yours and always will be.

Now what is this about being my shadow? What is this about wanting all my love for life? What do you see in me? I haven’t felt your lips, though I know I can kiss you. I haven’t held your hands though I know I can hold you. I haven’t sinned my thoughts, though I know you will enthrall me. You are my guardian angel. I don’t want you to be humane.

As I said you are the one I want all my love to beget. A false move, a word, a touch, a promise, will only bring in consequences that we both will regret. As we say the best solution is for us to know what best we can and provide for each other and be there for each of us. I am sure it isn’t a tough proposition.

You need to be loved with zest and zeal of youth. I am almost definite that you will find your prince charming, the one right there in your heart. Take your time to say yes, because you always want to stick to it. Please do give him a complete first chance if not a second and I am sure you will have your own happily ever after stories.

When I say happily ever after, the memoir that comes into my mind is that of another goddess like figure who loved me with the whole of her heart. She paused cause she felt I was someone else’s and but when she poured out her heart I was lost and when I realized, she had already taken her vows. I can still feel her intense love for me.

I have lost in love, unlike a lucky few of you and perhaps for more of whom only time can tell. What do you call this intense feeling of like for someone else, so pure, so true, a feeling only wanting good for them? A feeling which is painful, yet miserable? A feeling of like and dislike at the same time? A feeling which should not be reciprocated? I believe with you things could have been better.